


Two Bottles of Whiskey for the Road

by coldwarqueer



Series: Grif Tinted Lens [1]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Grif has PTSD, M/M, Nightmares, One Sentence of Sex, POV Second Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Relationship Study, Season 12 spoilers, Simmons is Demisexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 03:57:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2052696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwarqueer/pseuds/coldwarqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You take a gulp and cap the whiskey before Grif can take another drink. You set it on the ground and kiss him. He tastes like whiskey and regrets. You miss when he tasted like sugar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Two Bottles of Whiskey for the Road

The first time you see Grif out of armor is when he crawls into bed with you and doesn't say anything. You all have separate rooms, because Sarge refuses to sleep in a space that is not his own, and before Donut came along there had been two unused rooms and no one bothered each other in their spaces. Donut didn't raise a fuss when his temporary bunk was set up in the lounge. It's a lot less temporary now.

You don't ask why Grif is in your bed and you don't feel it's appropriate to ask. Grif is warm and soft to lean against, and there is something comforting about your friend there with you in bed.

Grif isn't unnecessarily touchy, and he let's out a single breathy sigh before he leans his head against your shoulder and falls asleep.

* * *

Grif comes to sleep in your bed every few days. You realize it's become a pattern of nightmares and comfort. He doesn't ever tell you that, but you know what it's like. Grif has never had an in-battle injury, minus the one that brought about your double surgery, but even before that you can tell he had been having nightmares.

There are no unwounded soldiers in war.

* * *

Grif's nightmares seldom come after the first night you kiss.

Or maybe they come just the same. It's hard to tell when Grif sleeps in your bed almost every night now for no reason at all.

Grif tastes like sugar, and his hair is wet from a shower as you latch the fingers of your bionic arm into his tresses. He doesn't say anything even when you realize his hair is stuck in the joints that need to be oiled and how much pain it must be causing.

Grif never talks about the things that really hurt him.

* * *

You ask Donut if Grif ever sleeps in his bunk anymore. You know the answer already, but you feign ignorance. Donut had been moved into Grif's room after their base had been shot at multiple times. Sarge finally found the time to order you to help build a bunk for Donut in the other room.

Donut just shrugs and acted like he was surprised to realize that no, actually, Grif is never asleep in his own bunk.

Lopez says something in Spanish that Donut mistranslates as him agreeing it must be a mystery. You hear Grif's name and "idiota" in his automated voice.

You act like it's a mystery and go about your business. You can feel Lopez watching you, and after a brief panic you decide that it's okay he must know about how Grif sleeps in your bed every night. It's not like he can tell anyone who will listen anyway.

That night when Grif curls against you in bed, smelling like bad soap and desert water, you put an arm around him and decide to give him a kiss yourself. He likes it when you do that.

* * *

You don't let Grif sleep with you if he hasn't showered. It clicks that he wants that help. It clicks that he doesn't shower for days on end because of the nightmares. Or maybe just because he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

It's started becoming common that after a nightmare he will get out of bed and shower again. You wake up when you realize he doesn't come back from those showers.

Sarge says water is running low for some reason. Grif cracks a joke about how it can't be because of him, because he hasn't showered in six days.

You both know that's not true.

* * *

Sarge catches you sleeping in bed together and you can feel your artificial heart jump in your throat. You are sure he will kill you, or kill Grif, or that you'll be demoted, or he'll dock your duties, or he'll do _something_ bad that will leave the taste of vomit in your mouth.

Instead of yelling, Sarge gets flustered and just tells you to hurry up and get dressed.

When you ask Donut later he just laughs and says, ' _I knew you guys were dating a long time ago! You'd have to be blind not to see it!_ '

You remind yourself to make sure Lopez' eyes are disabled for the rest of the week, because you can hear him cracking sarcastic jokes whenever you ask him something. Just because you can't understand him doesn't mean you don't hear Grif's name.

* * *

The only time Grif has ever told you about a nightmare is when he awoke gasping for air, grasping for your body, and you calm him down from an anxiety attack.

He tells you how everything had started disappearing under his feet, how everyone he loved had died in his arms, and how the food in his mouth had turned to dust.

You hold him in your arms and assure him that he is real, that you are here beside him, that the ground is still there to catch him if he falls. You assure him that _you_ are still there to catch him if he falls.

He cries in your arms and you cry with him. You cry harder when he says he feels guilty about your arm, about your eye, your leg. You stop crying when he says he wished he had died because of the explosion that caused his surgery. You run out of tears to cry for him, because you don't want to spend time crying with him now. You want to smile with him more than anything else.

You kiss him and say you would give up both of your last limbs if it meant keeping him alive.

* * *

Grif laughs and tells a joke about how when he was a kid he would beat people up like you for their lunch money. You try to joke back by saying, _'Yeah, because you never had enough to feed your fat ass at home, boo hoo.'_ And instead of laughing he stays silent, and guilt knots in your gut.

You realize now why he hoards food.

* * *

You realize after months of kissing Grif that you have never had sex. You feel bad at first, because Grif has never mentioned it, and the things that really matter to Grif are never brought up on good days.

Grif jokes about you being a virgin, but he never offers to relieve you of it. You never tell him you're not a virgin.

You can count on one hand the amount of people you've had sex with. The number is two, and it was always a "take it slow" relationship. You only ever found the sex particularly good after knowing everything about your partners.

Donut says there's a name for that, but you don't ask what it is. You already know that, if Grif wanted to, you would have sex with him.

Grif never brings it up, and you don't mind.

* * *

You're the one who brings it up. On a night when Grif has no nightmares, on a night when Grif smells like donuts instead of soap.

"Do you ever want to have sex?"

"Yeah, all the time. Why? Do you want to?"

"Only if you want to."

"Sex is way too much work, dude."

That answers that question.

* * *

Even though Grif tells you he wants to have sex "all the time" he never asks you for it. It doesn't bother you. Grif isn't a fan of anything that gets his sweat glands working.

* * *

Kaikaina is just like her brother in some ways and different in others. For the brief hours she is there she doesn't flirt once with you.

You're not bothered. Girls are hard to talk to. But Grif holds your hand in front of her, as if he is sending her a message.

That doesn't bother you either.

* * *

Grif cries in the shower every day. He tells you how the nightmares are worse than ever before, like he can feel something bad is going to happen. You hold him and pet his hair and try not to cry with him.

* * *

The jungle canyon is a refreshing changer, and Grif likes it better than the desert. He tells you how the humidity makes him feel more at home, and the only thing missing is a wave to surf up on.

You tell him he wouldn't fit on a surf board, and he tells you how you would never survive on a wave.

You decide the jungle canyon is definitely a good change, even after you get kidnapped by Blue Team

* * *

Grif hates being a captain, you can tell. But you can tell he likes Bitters. You can tell he likes having someone like him, to be lazy with, to pretend to do push-ups with.

It's good for Grif to have someone in common. The nightmares ease up and he doesn't eat as much junk that gives him headaches at night.

You are confused when he calls everyone to an urgent meeting only for it to be over a snack.

You are even more confused when he calls Matthews by your name.

* * *

Grif doesn't take your theory well. He throws what can only be called a tantrum and goes into hysterics, and you hear him say something you thought only you had been thinking, ' _I want Sarge back._ '

* * *

Grif comes into your tent that night and wakes you up. He tells you he wants to have sex.

"Let's do it."

"I thought sex was too much work."

"I have a bad feeling about tomorrow, and..."

"And?"

"And I don't want to die before we have sex."

"What?"

"I don't want to die before I get to have sex with you."

Of all the times Grif had had his "bad feelings" this was the only time he had mentioned his own death. Of all the times he'd premonated bad things to come, he had never seemed as desperate as he had right then in front of you.

* * *

Grif doesn't move much during sex. He just asks to hold you while you move. He is warm inside and he makes small noises when you push up against sensitive spots.

It doesn't feel as awkward as you had been afraid of, you always thought Grif would fight to be on "top" like the other two boyfriends you'd had. As long as he didn't have to move, he didn't care.

When it's done you roll over and stare at the ceiling of your tent. You think you see the shadow of a lieutenant slinking away from the outside of your tent, but you brush it off and close your eyes. Grif reaches for your hand, and you fall asleep to the sound of his breathing.

* * *

It's hard to sleep on Chorus. Grif pretends to, but you know he is just as troubled as the rest of you. Tucker cleans his guns all night, and talks to the wind. Caboose goes on long walks and doesn't return until training.

You close your eyes but don't sleep. You listen to the sound of ill prepared soldiers, _they may as well be kids_ , walk and patrol and can't help but think how you should be doing that. You shouldn't be a captain. You are a foot soldier. You do best as someone who takes orders.

You squeeze Grif's hand and exhale loudly. He squeezes your hand back.

* * *

When Tucker convinces you to go with him you can tell this is what Grif had been dreading. This was Grif's premonition, this was his fear of death. You didn't want Grif to go on this mission. But he does, and so do you, and you both don't want each other to go.

Grif hands you a bottle of whiskey he had raided from the kitchen.

You tell him, ' _this is supposed to be for medical emergencies and or parties.'_

He stares at you for a long time before he uncaps the bottle and chugs it, then hands it to you.

He tells you this is a medical emergency. He tells you if he doesn't get drunk he won't be able to leave for the mission, and ' _please, Simmons, just take a fucking drink.'_

You take a gulp and cap the whiskey before Grif can take another drink. You set it on the ground and kiss him. He tastes like whiskey and regrets. You miss when he tasted like sugar. You miss when he would crawl into your bed in Blood Gulch, what feels like a lifetime ago. And you miss when he used to smile. You hate how jaded and sardonic he has become.

You wish you knew how to make it better.

He opens the bottle and starts drinking again.

* * *

You finish off the whiskey before you leave, and you tell Tucker Caboose will have to drive your Warthog because you are not okay to drive, and Grif is falling asleep against you. Grif drank most of the whiskey. Tucker isn't happy, and shouts and shouts, but eventually Grif is behind Tucker and you sit behind Caboose and the ride is bumpy and you feel nauseous from the drink.

* * *

When you're standing outside door to rescue your friends Grif holds your hand and gives it a squeeze.

"You're not allowed to die," he whispers, "I've still got another bottle of whiskey."

You just nod. You decide that this time you can be the one to drink most of the bottle.


End file.
